I can feel myself pulling inwards. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I'm finding it harder and harder to get in touch with how I'm feeling. I guess I'm just tired of the emotions, tired of crying, tired of being a slave to my feelings. So I can feel myself trying to bottle them in, as if that will make them go away. Of course I know that bottled feelings always find their way to the surface eventually, but I find myself doing it nonetheless.
I can see it manifesting in many ways. In the land of blogs I'm finding myself skimming posts that are too emotional. As if by skipping over the pain of others I can somehow smooth my own pain out. I'm also finding it very difficult to comment. Not that I've ever been particularly good at this, but lately I've been even worse. It's not that I don't care about all of you, it's just that I can't allow myself to go there enough to make a comment that would be even remotely helpful.
In my real life I am finding myself trying not to feel things, or to hide how I'm feeling around The Hubby. Easter was not nearly as difficult as it was last year. For most of the day I was fine, or perhaps pretending to be fine. It didn't really hit me until I was doing the dishes after dinner. For whatever reason, that's when the grief and sadness hit me.
Normally I would have stopped what I was doing and sought out The Hubby for comfort. But instead I cried silently at the sink. My tears and snot running into the soapy water while I was scrubbing the pots and pans. By the time the kitchen was clean again, my tears were gone and I went back into the living room as if nothing had happened.
I feel guilty for being such a sad needy person. I'm so weary of my
crying outbursts, the ones where he holds me while I leak tears and snot
all over him. I'm so tired of being that poor woman who's firstborn son
died and who is now worried that the same fate will befall her
daughter. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done with her.
As if I could will her away that easily.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Sorry to hear how your feeling... and wish it could be easier. You are a brave and inspirational woman... and mother to both your children. You've been through so much, so it's understandable that sometimes the emotions are there and sometimes not. Be gentle on yourself... thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI hear you. It's all I can say. I hear you. xo
ReplyDeleteI feel this. But in a completely different way. Since our failed cycle I've been skimming blogs or all together just not reading. Not wanting to experience or hear joy or sorrow. It's like being in a dead space. I totally hear ya.
ReplyDeleteI've gone through phases over the past year where I've really withdrawn, too - even from my husband. One time I told him I just didn't want to cry around him anymore and I think it hurt his feelings. That changed again after a while...which is all to say, this journey of grief is so twisty and turny and strange. And pregnancy after a loss feels so fragile. Be easy on yourself and do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand. The exhaustion from being pregnant, the sorrow from losing your son, the hormones, the fear...to say that your emotions are all over the place is an understatement. I hope that bad emotions take a back seat to the happy ones very soon. You deserve a break.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, and don't blame yourself for not being able to explain or fully understand what you do. I'm so glad you seem to be able to DO those things that help (cry into the dishwater) even if you don't know why. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh exhaustion! Sick and tired of being sad and tired. Sometimes it is just too much. Too bad you can't take a vacation from it all but as the saying goes "wherever you go, that's where you'll be." and unless you're made of things in wonderland, heads come with us and all craziness that lies inside. Sending peaceful thoughts and a warm hug. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.
ReplyDeleteOh so sorry to read this. Don't hold in your feelings, cry when you need to cry for as long as you need to get it out, don't hold it in. Share share with you hubby and whomever you feel safe and close too. No one will judge for you that. Pregnancy wreaks havoc with a mothers emotions and you have experience something so hard that know woman/mother should, everyone will understand.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you just need to take care of you right now. Don't feel bad- we all go through times when we can't be reaching out as much.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling this way but I can identify with it completely. I remember when I was pregnant with my son after losing our daughter I was petrified the entire pregnancy. I cried all the time and was preparing myself for the fact that he may die too. Looking back now I wish I could have enjoyed that time but I just couldn't, I was surviving, just as you are now. I hope the days start to get a little easier soon.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better. Holidays are always hard, take care of yourself. A bit of snot and tears on your hubby will do him good, I'm sure he doesn't mind...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I go days without reading blogs, or I read them and save the commenting for another dy... Like I just don't have it in me some days. And it's not a lack of caring thing, just that it's hard to be accessing that emotion all the time without feeling drained. You're not alone.
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